"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind."

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket

."Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.""I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.

"Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature? A: "I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan."

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."

"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."

"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "

"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."

"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before."

"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."

"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal."

"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."

"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."

"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."

"I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact."

"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."

"My car got hit by a submarine." (The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim.

Kats:0)

Eight years ago I had a phone call from "him indoors", whilst I was away visiting family.

A friend of ours who rescues birds of prey and has dealings with the RSPCA had contacted "him" and asked if we could give a dog a home which happened to be a young St. Bernard.

So the result of the phone call was Bruno pictured above, in his favourite environment and the colder, the better as far as he is concerned.

His nickname, given by Him Indoors, is the "Dozy Bastard"

He had been kept in a very small back yard by the family who had apparently paid £800 for him, but could no longer afford to feed him. He was too weak to get into the back of the car and had to be lifted in - a hoist would have done a quicker and easier job of it.

So, I returned home to find an animal the size of a small shetland pony in my kitchen.

When dogs are upset or nervous they drool. St. Bernards drool anyway, so the sticky strings of saliva took on a life of their own, and seemed to multiply, and lengthen at will. When it all got too much for him there would be a shake of his massive head accompanied by the sound of jowls flapping like a flock of birds taking flight, and up the walls the saliva would go, and God help you if you happened to be within spitting distance. Bruno's saliva has the consistency of wall paper paste and dries like concrete. I am now doomed to a life, I thought, of chipping someone else's spit off the walls.

So began his road to recovery, which consisted of cod liver oil, vitamin powder and forced frog marching up hill and down dale, plus lashings of love and affection. He had never seen grass, running water, or trees and for a while, was totally bemused by these alien things, and sometimes still is.

One day a requiem sung by monks came on the radio, his ears perked up and away he went, howling and singing in a mournful fashion. St.Bernards were bred by monks for mountain rescue. This is the only type of music that has any effect on him -weird.

He was inspected by the Vet and we were advised that the kindest thing to do was keep him outside. I sighed with relief and put my wall chisel away. Bruno took up residence in the garden shed. We fenced off the back garden, and he has about a quarter of an acre to himself. If it snows or there is a hard frost he sleeps out in it by choice. Birds go in to roost with him in the winter and share his food. He lies head on paws gazing at chaffinches perched on the edge of his food bowl. He now shares his shed with a hedgehog which steals his food in the evening, literally from under his nose while he lies less than a foot away and watches it.

One night, in the forest he walked, nose to ground, as they do, and smacked forehead first into a tree with a loud clunk. He just stayed there, head pressed against the bark and waited for rescue.

He is terrified of thunder and gets over the fence and runs away. We live in the middle of nowhere with very few neighbours and he never goes far and is well known for his cowardice and odd behavior. Last time we had a phone call to say that he had been staring at a satellite dish on the ground for 10 minutes. The lady that phoned was hysterical with laughter.

One day he waded into a Loch and sank to his knees in mud. When called he just stood there and cried like a baby, because he didn't understand that he wasn't stuck. It took a great deal of arm waving and shouted encouragement to get him to walk out again.

If a branch is in the road he will stop, and refuse point blank to walk round it. His head will go down, all the skin on his face moves forward and produces a wrinkled frown of frustration and perplexity.

He's nearly 10 now which is a great age for his breed, 8 years is about the average. His back legs are weak ( a result of his early malnutrition) and he just plods along these days, and we don't think he will see the new year.

He fainted in the middle of the single track road that runs past the house. He is so huge and heavy (yes, he grew some more) all Him Indoors could do was stand guard and hope that he wouldn't be forced to direct traffic around him till he regained consciousness.

We are hoping that if he dies, he will keel over in the forest, so that we can just dig a hole and roll him into it.
I will miss him though, the big, dozy bastard.

Kats

I'm sure you remember, if you're a bit old like me, that strange person that used to dress up in silver platform knee high boots with matching jumpsuit, who went by the name of Garry Glitter?

I remember him as this seedy looking middle aged bloke who was always red faced, (indicating an alcohol problem?), dripping with sweat, (high blood pressure?), and in dire need of a decent hairdresser and a talented make-up artist, while he was strutting his stuff, and quite frankly not making a very good job of it. You must admit he did have the aura of a pervert and that's exactly what he turned out to be, the nasty little man.

He was arrested on child pornography charges, and let's face it with something like that if you are collecting images of it, you are sure as hell acting it out. He was also in a profession (and I use the term loosely, in his case) where he was ideally placed to bring his sick fantasy into reality.

Before I get to the point, which always takes me a while, I'm glad to say that after googling away here I could not come up with a photo, but I would have liked one of him to post in his finery, in his sweat laden frenzy on stage, just to show what a complete and utter twat he looked. Why glad? Because that sends him into oblivion, which is the best place for him, and anyone who uses his position in life, to the detriment of others should be made to feel totally unimportant, but not too much.

The police in Vietnam are looking for him, where , not to put too finer point on it, he is at it again.

Many years ago while back packing in the third world, I was confronted at breakfast, by a German man appearing with his, definitely not more than 10 years old, "boyfriend", whom he stroked and whispered endearments to. I never managed to finish my breakfast that morning and neither did he after I'd finished telling him what I thought of him and forcibly making him wear his breakfast.

So Mr. Glitter, has made his way to a poor country in a part of the world which is notorious down at the lower level of his part of the food chain as being an easy mark, if you have the money, to take advantage of the poverty and need, where desperation will outweigh fear and morality. Another example is a famous science fiction writer living in a far away place, whose "boy" lies under his desk like a dog waiting to please.

When people like this are convicted, they should be stripped of their financial assets, in order to stop them leaving the country and inflicting their perversion on even more vulnerable children. They should spend longer in prison, and be kept in solitary, preferably until they are too old and decrepit to have the strength to perform any sort of sexual act, or given the appropriate medication. A frontal lobotomy would do it, without going to great expense.

On second thoughts I mentioned oblivion previously, so put him in a silver glitter space suit, along with Jonathan King. Book the space shuttle, (make the Vatican pay for it, as part of their penance) and blast them into outer space and once up there shove them out the airlock.

They always wanted to be stars didn't they? I wonder if Gary was ever a priest?

Kats:0)

Glasgow made an audacious bid to host the 2012 Summer Olympics.

In an attempt to influence the members of the International Olympic Committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2012, the organisers of the Glasgow bid have already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below:

Opening Ceremony
The Olympic Flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb, thrown by a native of the city (preferably from the Easterhouse area), wearing the traditional costume of shell-suit, baseball cap and balaclava mask. It will burn for the duration of the Games in a large chip van situated on the roof of the stadium.

The Events
In previous Olympic Games, Scotland's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local Glaswegian athletes.

100 Metres Sprint: Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven, one in each arm. On the sound of the starting pistol a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 Metres Hurdles: As above but with added obstacles (ie. car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls, etc).

Hammer: Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish (claw, sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.

Fencing: Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery as possible in 5 minutes.

Shooting: A strong challenge is expected from the local team in this event. The first target will be the moving police van. In the second round competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor style wages deliveryman.

Boxing: Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of Tennants whilst the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

Cycling Time Trials: Competitors will be asked to break into the university bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from England on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

Cycling Pursuit: As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

Modern Pentathlon: Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

The Marathon: A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the course.

Swimming: Competitors will be thrown off the bridge on the Clyde. The first three survivors back will decide the medals.

Men's 50km Walk: Unfortunately, this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Glasgow.

The Closing Ceremony Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Glasgow "Health in the Community" anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing and music by the Govan Loyalist Boys Band.

The Olympic Flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium will then be boarded up before the local athletes can break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.


Kats:0)